I killed time on a four hour bus journey recently by listening to one of my favourite podcasts -Dykes on Mykes. This particular episode aired a talk given by Susie Bright at McGill University in Montreal recorded back in '93. I think Susie Bright's a pretty great speaker overall, but one thing she said really stuck out to me. As girls, we're encouraged to say no, and not to have sex until we are ready. Which is all good, and it's important that girls don't feel pressured into sex. But such emphasis is placed on turning boys down and keeping them out of our pants, that we're never really taught how to go about saying yes, when we are ready.
Okay, so some of us are just naturals, and have absolutely no problem making the first move and telling someone exactly what we want to do to them. But more and more I'm realising that a lot of us are having sex on boys' terms.
Don't get me wrong -this isn't going to be a tirade about how we're giving men what they want, or giving the milk away for free or how they should 'put a ring on it' first. I'm just not that kinda girl -sex is an activity, not a bargaining chip and I could never recommend using sex to make someone like you/ commit to you/ buy you shit.
So then what do I mean by having sex on your own terms? Having sex when YOU want, engaging in the kinds of sex YOU enjoy, and pretty much just having an equal say in how it all goes down [ahem]. It sounds like pretty basic stuff, but from what I'm hearing, it's not always happening like this. I have friends -amazing, funny, smart friends -who admit to never initiating sex with their partner, or not showing them what they like, or failing to speaking up when their partner wants to do something they're not really into.
* "Jane" says that when it comes to sex, she can never make the first move on her boyfriend of nine months and that "I shouldn't have to.. if he fancies me, he should make the first move."
"Sarah" has yet to have an orgasm with the guy she is currently sleeping with. She knows how to get herself off, but is too shy to show him.
"Lisa" finds sex from behind uncomfortable but does it anyway because she feels it's more 'flattering' than her favourite -being on top.
"Rachel" has a friends-with-benefits situation but never has the guts to call him when she wants to and so they only hook up when he calls her.
These are sad stories! And sadly, true.
I don't mean to paint all women as sexual shrinking violets because hell no, we're not. But it's a definite theme I am noticing with some of the women I speak to -women who consider themselves independent and sexual and "definitely not prude!" [said in the same horrified tone as if claiming not to be a puppy molester.]
There's a very common belief that when it comes to sex, the ball is always in the ladies court -that most women can go out any night of the week and have sex if they want to, whereas most men have to try or work for it. That women are the gatekeepers, the ones who decide if it's happening or not, while men are always up for it. Those myths make it sound like women are the ones in control. And we can be, and sometimes we are, but often we're really not. Often, it seems, insecurities dictate when we have sex and how. Only with the lights off, only when drunk, only if he starts it, only the way he likes it or the way that's most flattering... Hang ups are shaping hook ups.
We're taught to assertively say no, but not how to assertively say yes. A healthy approach to sex requires both, so that the Janes and Sarahs and Lisas and Rachels can be more confident and active in their own sex lives. I think the best start is to rope Susie Bright into a tour of Irish secondary schools. I'll even dig out my old vile-green uniform if it means I can sneak in and take notes.
*fake names, obvs.
