Putting the seed in aniseed.

I came across (har har) the above posting on CraigsList today while browsing the Free Stuff section in the hopes of finding a record player or a nice lamp, and it got me thinking...


Reasons One May Go About Giving Away 200 Black Licorice Condoms Via CraigsList

- you remember anything that tastes like Jäger shots triggers bad memories and makes you gag, in the bad way.

- you and your black-licorice-condom-loving partner have gone to get tested together, agreed on some sexually monogamous boundaries and switched to the Nuvaring (so far available only in its original flavour).

- you unfortunately discovered that your partner was allergic to licorice extract and had to make a somewhat embarrassing trip to the ER, though secretly, you found the resulting swelling pleasurable.

- you actually ordered 200 Mango-Peach Condoms, but there was a mix up and condomdepot.com have a strict no-refunds policy. You WILL be sending a strongly worded email.

- the cutie you went on that one date with who casually mentioned an affinity for black jelly beans never called you again, and you realised you maybe got a little ahead of yourself. Decided adding "must like licorice" to your online-dating profile prerequisites would be a little restrictive.

- you're just really curious about the kind of person who would travel across a city to collect to collect a zillion free condoms from a stranger.

- you purchased said condoms because you like to be proactive about your sexual health, and you're fully aware that everything from chlamydia to throat-cancer-causing-strains-of-HPV can be transmitted via unprotected oral sex. But then you thought, nahhh. Because, really.

CuckYou.

The European Common Cuckoo is an asshole. Well, the technical term is a brood parasite. Basically, Mama Cuckoo will lay her eggs in another bird's nest, so that some schmuck of a pigeon or something gets stuck raising her kid. Papa Cuckoo is a sneaky fuck too, often he'll cause a distraction in order to lure the schmuck birds away from the nest so Mama can get in there and deposit her business (she has actually evolved to do this quickly and discretely). And Baby Cuckoo isn't innocent in this Jerry Springer-esque nonsense either, it's the skeeziest of the bunch -it hatches quicker than the schmuck babies, grows faster, and pushes the schmuck eggs and/or chicks out of the nest so it doesn't have to share regurgitated worms with nobody. It's born with that instinct. Ugh, kids are the worst.
Unfortunately, birds don't have access to DNA swabs and lie detector tests and sassy audience members to give them sage advice -which is a shame, because I would totally watch that show.

Just a thought.