Some people are afraid of failure, some people are afraid of death. Some people are afraid of change or of commitment or of ending up cold and lonely, living on microwavable meals for one. Suckaaasss. I laugh in the face of death and if I find myself a single octogenarian I will sign up to one of those website for twenty-year olds boys to meet GILFs.
And yet, I do have one terrifying, unrelenting, paralysing, irrational fear -the dentist. I'm not good with any kind of medical sitch, but dread it as I might, I can cope like a grown up when I have to. The dentist is a whole other ballgame. I feel sick and faint at just the mention of it, and anyone who knows me well is familiar with me doubling over and pleading "No, seriously, shut the fuck up, I'm going to vom on you" when they start to describe their casual lunch time extraction.
I've never really known what kicked off this phobia. Nobody else in my family seems to mind going to the dentist, and I've had pretty good luck with my teeth overall. But a while ago I played shrink and asked myself to try and recall what my earliest dentist-related memory was and eventually remembered this:
I don't think it's too hard to imagine the effect it could have had on an impressionable five year old. Though what's funny is I LOVED this movie, and got in trouble for singing about shooting kittens with a BB gun (-my older brother and sister got a kick out of encouraging me to do impressions of things they knew my parents would get mad at me for, see also Jim Carrey's Vera de Milo character on In Living Colour. I used to wear a leotard and everything.) I still do love this clip (and isn't Steve Martin kind of babely?) but I have to skip past the drill and extraction parts. You know, I could totally handle someone hacking away at some far off extremity, like my toes, but it's the way teeth are in your HEAD, attached to your freakin' SKULL that makes it all seem so barbaric. Ughhhhhhhhhh.
As a kid, I always dreaded that pink slip in the letter box summoning me for a check-up, but always got the all-clear, until I was twelve and was told I had two cavities. To be fair, the dentist was nice and patient and she even let me half hum/half scream Pulp's Common People over and over while she worked, but ughh it was still awful and I still freak out thinking about it. Went back a couple of years later and got the all clear -and should have gone regularly since, but six months turned into a year, and then two and now it's been almost 12 years and I'm petrified of what may need doing.
Anyway, for the past couple years my phobia has gotten worse, in that instead of it crossing my mind once every few weeks when someone mentioned a dentist, it now crosses my mind daily. I'm not digging this feeling of having a dread cloud following me around, so I figure I really need to do something about it, once and for all. Cue mission impossible music.
Step 1. As Linford Christie says, it's all about PMA -Positive Mental Attitude! So the first thing was just deciding this was something I was going to do. I started reading online forums where phobic people shared their stories of going to the dentist and what a relief it was and how bad it wasn't. Just reading these, and knowing that other people were as shit-scared as I am, really helped. I would also close my eyes and imagine going to the dentist and having a really positive experience. All memories are constructions, it's just about convincing yourself.
Step 2. Find the right dentist. Some dentists have reputations for being really good with phobic patients. I even emailed one in Galway who had stellar reviews, and when she phoned me back I managed to answer and hold down a normal conversation despite the fact my heart was thumping and I was sweating. It might not sound like much, but discussing a check up WITH a real live dental.. receptionist? Shit is real!! However, I found out they don't offer twilight sedation, so I had to look elsewhere. Twilight sedation is basically the miracle drug -they pump you full of anti-anxiety drugs and painkillers, and though you're technically still semi-conscious, basically not a single fuck is given. You're just like "yeah, bring it on or whatever". Some people even fall asleep during it. It's also affordable, unlike general aneasthesia. So, I found a guy who had great reviews and does the twilight sleep cheaper than anywhere else.
Step 3. Preparation for check-up. Okay so if (fine, "when") I need work done, twilight sedation is my jam, but I also need help for just getting into the chair and opening wide for a check-up. So I asked my doc for valium, and she giveth. I've never had it before, so she suggested I pop some beforehand, so that's my next rainy day sorted. I'm not sure what to expect, apparently its effect varies a lot from person to person. Frankly, the more out of it I am the better, so here's hoping it does the trick. Drugs are rad, mmkay?
Of course the next couple steps are the tough ones. I spent about an hour today with the phone in my hand, trying to psych myself up to make an appointment, and then decided that I might be better off dropping by in person tomorrow, seeing as I've never been inside this dentist's office before.
So there you go, that's my plan to face my phobia. Might all sound a bit twentyfirstcenturyproblems, but it's a pretty huge deal to me, and even a year ago there is no way in hell I could have imagined myself going to the dentist of my own free will. I'm hoping making it public stops me from wussing out, and trying to focus on how badass I'll feel once I've done it.
NO dentist horror stories please! but feel free to comment on your own experiences with phobias/offer words of encouragement/promise to hold me etc.
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