three nineteen

When I close my eyes, I’m there again and I can feel it all.

“Wilson is next. Doors open on the left, at Wilson.”

The El began to slow down and grind to a stop. I stood and held the handrail, until I jerked forward, back again, and hurried out the sliding doors. Outside was cold. Chicago cold. I made my way down the steps and out of the El station.

Sometimes the Wilson stop creeped me out a little. Despite the recent attempts at gentrification, it was a poorly lit neighbourhood. I could hear the homeless man under the El tracks singing as usual before I even turned the corner. He always sang so cheerfully and I always wished I could be as cheerful as him in his situation and then I resented herself for envying his hard, lonely song.

I walked the street briskly, turning left on Malden, and down to the end of the street. I couldn’t wait to be out of the cold and pressed the buzzer for 319, waited for the buzz of the door and entered the checkerboard foyer. I would jog the first couple flights of stairs, and walk the last one slowly to catch my breath.

The door was always open.

LSD

It was the first time I was ever in your car, and it was exciting. Firstly, because it was night time, and driving at night time is always a little exciting to me.  Secondly, because it was on a whim. When I answered "No, I havn't been to the pier",  you said "Let's go." And finally, it was exciting because you were a pretty crazy driver and I thought you might kill us. You drove fast, you made turns you probably shouldn't have, and all the while talking animatedly with your hands, or reaching into the backseat to show me a coin collection an uncle may have given you, and glancing away from the road, to me. You'd probably had a couple beers at this stage, and were a little high. You were always a little high.

We didn't die. We parked in an empty lot, and then I started to think about how I barely knew you. Like, in a creepy way. Can you believe that?! We passed the boats, tucked in for the night, and went through a tunnel and then there we were, standing right on the edge of the lake, the city lights burning amber not too far in the distance, and the deep dark mass of water ebbing oh so quietly against the pier.
I thought about how I couldn't swim, and how all you would have to do is give me the slightest little push and I would be a goner. My roomates didn't even know I was with you, nobody did, you'd never even go down for it. This is what I was thinking while, back in the real world, you were saying something profound, or at least pretty about the city and the lake and life. I wish I recalled what we talked about instead of just knowing I tried to estimate how deep the water was where we were and calculate my chances of survival. I remember feeling a little sigh of relief when we got back in the car. Can you believe that? RELIEF! Hahaha. But then once we were driving again, flying I never wanted to stop, and I didn't want to go home. I thought about suggesting we stop somewhere for ice cream, but didn't.

foliage and tokens

We found an unusual leaf one day on the side walk, and I picked it up. it looked like a yellow fan with a split in the middle of perhaps the tail of an equally unusual bird, and you told me the following day that you had described it to your mom over the phone and she was pretty sure it was from the ginkgo tree. I still have it in my scrapbook at home, glowing golden against a red page and I'm not sure where but I saw the word 'gingko' today and thought about it.

I read a little about the ginkgo tree tonight. Interesting stuff. would you believe it is actually the only remaining genus in it's family which is not extinct and is known as a 'living fossil'?
Also, four ginkgo trees were among the very few living things to survive Hiroshima in 1945, and they are still alive today.
This tree has got stories. And I'm glad I have one of it myself.
Thank you André Michaux for bringing the ginkgo tree from China to North America and into my hand.

And so, I was walking home in the snow today thinking about that sunny day and that sunny leaf and had this flashing image of us, for one instant, sitting under a ginkgo tree in the sun counting each others freckles.