There is something about being tested for a disease of some sort that instantly makes me feel 300 times more likely to have it than were I not tested. Is there a name for this? Like, a more specific name than regular paranoia?
I get regular STI tests, aiming for about every six months. And I've never really suspected I've had an STI (which, bear in mind, can often be symptomless), I just get checked to be on the safe side, and because THAT'S WHAT RESPONSIBLE, SEXUALLY MATURE GROWN-UPS DO (If you can't tell from previous posts, it pisses me off that most guys I know do not get tested regularly, or in many cases, ever. You deserve to never get laid!)
Still, from the moment I pee in that cup until the moment I get my results, I'm suddenly convinced that I have acquired every STI under the sun. What if all my previous tests and clear results have been one big admin error and it turns out I have an extremely advanced stage of AIDS? What if that in-grown hair I had a couple weeks ago wasn't an ingrown hair at all, but was in fact My First Herpe? What if I have some new thing that they don't even have a test for yet?! It doesn't matter if I have been accidentally celibate since my last test, I'm still paranoid that by the very action of getting tested, I've caught something.
So, when I arrived in Korea and was taken to a hospital on my second day for the routine medical testing, I got predictably worried again. A chest x-ray, physical, urine and blood tests. In fact, it was my first blood test ever. (I was so super-pleasantly surprised at how quick and painless the blood test actually was, that I'm no longer that bothered my needles actually. Win!)
Still, despite not being into unprotected sex or intravenous drugs, I was terrified when I went to collect my results a week later. What if, what if, what if? A lot of my fellow teacher friends admitted to experiencing the same paranoia over their health checks too.
The tests checked for HIV and Hepatitis, and if we had one, we would immediately have our visas cancelled, be sent home and would not be reimbursed for our flights. I think I was about 5% worried about my health and 95% worried about my year being ruined. The language barrier didn't help. The document I was handed was naturally all in hangul, and when I asked the nurse nervously "So, I got the all clear, right?" she didn't understand me, until I waved my hand between a thumbs up and thumbs down and she smiled and responded with a thumbs up. I don't think I could have been more relieved to see a thumbs up if I'd been in a ancient Roman amphitheatre.
This all brings me to two weeks ago, when as part of my Canadian visa application, I had to complete another medical check. Same tests -chest x-ray, physical, urine and blood tests -except two hundred euros more expensive than its Korean counterpart. This time, the blood tests checked for HIV and Syphilis, neither of which I logically suspected I had, but again, just the fact I was being tested for them started to make me paranoid. I mean... what if?!
I checked with the admin clerk to see if I would get the results, but as I had read online, no -they would send the results straight to the Canadian government, and I would only be alerted of my test results if they refused my visa, but they could send out my my results if I requested them.
"Oh, okay," I said, deciding not to ask for the results and just let bureaucratic nature take its course.
So when, today, I received a large brown envelope from the hospital marked "private and confidential", I freaked out. In the five seconds it took me to rip it open with shaking hands, I felt sick and convinced that I must have something, as there was no other reason they would contact me. I flipped through the sheets.
HIV -negative.
Syphilis -negative.
Lungs -clear.
A slight scoliosis of the dorsal spine convex to my right side, whatever the fuck that means but that's NBD.
Phew.
Of course, I always have that split second of confused panic induced by the association of "negative" with bad things, until I remember how diagnosis works.
Oh my God, the relief, I cannot even express it.
And on the front, a note in biro "Results, as requested." I guess the woman took my "Oh, okay" which I meant as "I understand, nevermind" to mean "Great, please send me my results!"
Which is fine. Hey, it's good to know. Being officially notified that you don't have syphilis is pretty neat, in the same way it's nice to be reminded I have no student debt or that I don't live somewhere that will be affected by the cicada swarmageddon. It doesn't really change anything, but it's good news all the same.
But damn if I didn't nearly shit my pants first.
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