For the birds

You stepped into the art gallery to escape the humidity and the rain that was beginning to fall. It didn't quite fit right, snuggled in between the small hanok style coffee shops and handicraft stores. A large banner featuring a nude and bloated waxen male figure hung brazenly on the outer wall. Inside was dark and cool, and the whitewashed walls were familiar. Galleries were the same here as at home, were the same as in Toronto. You saw the central feature as soon as you passed through the door, it was inescapable, but you ignored it, deciding to leave it until last, and you slowly took your time, walking around the room anti-clockwise, studying each piece carefully, not wanting to miss anything and trying not to think about what was ahead, until there was nothing else to see.

There was a large table, upon which rested a large, rectangular bird cage, painted white. Inside was a large variety of trophies, cups and medals, of  differing heights. Here and there, was a trophy filled with birdseed, or water. Here and there and there, was bird shit.
Three small, white birds inhabited the space, and your heart broke a moment.
 Who let them out to fly around in the evenings? Who spoke to them, who loved them??

Dongwook Lee - Love Me Sweet exhibit in Buk Chang Dong, Seoul

You moved slowly around the side of the cage, to the nose bleed seats. The birds  were flying laps, lengthways from one end to the other, like a distressed relay. You moved your face closer to the bars, and tried to make eye contact. You extended a finger, inviting the captives to smell you, scratch you or peck you, they deserved to exert some anger, you felt. You told yourself, that if you spoke enough Korean you would ask about them, whether they were pets or merely props. But you didn't, so you only mumbled 죄송합니다 to the birds and left.

Testing, testing.. 1, 2, 3..

There is something about being tested for a disease of some sort that instantly makes me feel 300 times more likely to have it than were I not tested. Is there a name for this? Like, a more specific name than regular paranoia? 

I get regular STI tests, aiming for about every six months. And I've never really suspected I've had an STI (which, bear in mind, can often be symptomless), I just get checked to be on the safe side, and because THAT'S WHAT RESPONSIBLE, SEXUALLY MATURE GROWN-UPS DO (If you can't tell from previous posts, it pisses me off that most guys I know do not get tested regularly, or in many cases, ever. You deserve to never get laid!)
Still, from the moment I pee in that cup until the moment I get my results, I'm suddenly convinced that I have acquired every STI under the sun.   What if all my previous tests and clear results have been one big admin error and it turns out I have an extremely advanced stage of AIDS? What if that in-grown hair I had a couple weeks ago wasn't an ingrown hair at all, but was in fact My First Herpe? What if I have some new thing that they don't even have a test for yet?!  It doesn't matter if I have been accidentally celibate since my last test, I'm still paranoid that by the very action of getting tested, I've caught something. 

So, when I arrived in Korea and was taken to a hospital on my second day for the routine medical testing, I got predictably worried again. A chest x-ray, physical, urine and blood tests. In fact, it was my first blood test ever. (I was so super-pleasantly surprised at how quick and painless the blood test actually was, that I'm no longer that bothered my needles actually. Win!)
Still, despite not being into unprotected sex or intravenous drugs, I was terrified when I went to collect my results a week later. What if, what if, what if? A lot of my fellow teacher friends admitted to experiencing the same paranoia over their health checks too.
The tests checked for HIV and Hepatitis, and if we had one, we would immediately have our visas cancelled, be sent home and would not be reimbursed for our flights. I think I was about 5% worried about my health and 95% worried about my year being ruined. The language barrier didn't help. The document I was handed was naturally all in hangul, and when I asked the nurse nervously "So, I got the all clear, right?" she didn't understand me, until I waved my hand between a thumbs up and thumbs down and she smiled and responded with a thumbs up. I don't think I could have been more relieved to see a thumbs up if I'd been in a ancient Roman amphitheatre. 


This all brings me to two weeks ago, when as part of my Canadian visa application, I had to complete another medical check. Same tests -chest x-ray, physical, urine and blood tests -except  two hundred euros more expensive than its Korean counterpart. This time, the blood tests checked for HIV and Syphilis, neither of which I logically suspected I had, but again, just the fact I was being tested for them started to make me paranoid. I mean... what if?!
I checked with the admin clerk to see if I would get the results, but as I had read online, no -they would send the results straight to the Canadian government, and I would only be alerted of my test results if they refused my visa, but they could send out my my results if I requested them. 
"Oh, okay," I said, deciding not to ask for the results and just let bureaucratic nature take its course.
So when, today, I received a large brown envelope from the hospital marked "private and confidential", I freaked out. In the five seconds it took me to rip it open with shaking hands, I felt sick and convinced that I must have something, as there was no other reason they would contact me. I flipped through the sheets.

HIV -negative.
Syphilis -negative.
Lungs -clear.
A slight scoliosis of the dorsal spine convex to my right side, whatever the fuck that means but that's NBD.
Phew.
Of course, I always have that split second of confused panic induced by the association of "negative" with bad things, until I remember how diagnosis works.
Oh my God, the relief, I cannot even express it.
And on the front, a note in biro "Results, as requested." I guess the woman took my "Oh, okay" which I meant as "I understand, nevermind" to mean "Great, please send me my results!" 
Which is fine. Hey, it's good to know. Being officially notified that you don't have syphilis is pretty neat, in the same way it's nice to be reminded I have no student debt or that I don't live somewhere that will be affected by the cicada swarmageddon. It doesn't really change anything, but it's good news all the same.
But damn if I didn't nearly shit my pants first.

How's it gonna be?

You know what I love? When you've listened to an old song a hundred times, sang along with it a hundred times, and then one day, you hear it one particular time, and it's like hearing it for the first time, and though you've always liked it, this is the first time you've related.
It happened tonight, I was walking through Bucheon's central park, the ground still marbled in snow and ice, and very strangely, not a soul around, and I was singing along with my ipod, when the lyrics to a familiar song which I had never really thought about before, made sense. I dig that feeling.


Break ups are interesting. The whole getting to un-know someone part, I mean. Someone who, in many cases, was your best friend. Who you spoke to everyday, told personal things about yourself, who you had lots of little private jokes with, who you cared about. Watching all that unravel, or disappear. I guess it depends a lot on the hows and the whys of the break-up.
For the most part, I get along well with my exes, we broke up on good terms and most are still my friends. In these cases, the un-knowing process is usually gradual, slow. We might still hang out occasionally, keep in touch, have short online conversations every few weeks, have long, deep drunken online conversations once a year.
Or sometimes you have to stop talking, for yourself, or for the other person, or for their new girlfriend. That can hurt, but you know you're still friends really.

With some exes, it's a little more sudden. Sometimes the un-knowing process happens in one swift flash, with one stomach-churning pang of "you are not who I thought you were" right before the break-up even occurs. And so you end things, and the un-knowing process begins. And it's one of those rare cases where you never want anything to do with them again, which makes it easier. But you still know things about them. You still know their weekly schedule. You still know their upcoming vacation plans, which drawer they keep their socks in, the scents and the scars of their body. And you don't care, you don't think about them (this is the one thing dishonest/disrespectful guys have going for them -you get over them quickly and easily) but you can't help knowing it. I suppose that must fade too, after a while.

holidayyy

I am glad I am on staycation because it's  6:45am and I still haven't slept because I am too excited! I just booked a trip to Thailand for two weeks before I go home in March!
THAILAND!
Two weeks of sunshine and white sand and turquoise water and coconut milk based curries and boat trips and cheap massages and jungles and elephants..... shiiiiit!

For the record, I don't do this. I don't go on vacations as such, I don't spend hundreds of bucks on a flight when the stay is only a couple of weeks. I don't go somewhere with the plan of just travelling around, or laying on a beach.
I save up all my money, and I apply for work or study visas, and then I go to a big city (until korea, a big north american city) and I get a job and an apartment and settle down for a year. I'm not knocking it, because I love it. But it's very, very different to this.

But here I am, in Asia, nearing the end of my contract, and I didn't travel anywhere during my summer or winter breaks, so I'm finally going to go on a trip. An amazing trip!

I am flying in and out of Bangkok, so I'll check out some palaces and markets and all that. After a day or so I am going to head north to Chiang Mai. I'm already looking forward to the train journey, a window seat to admire the scenery and a good book and I'm golden. Chiang Mai has been highly recommended by a good few friends. I want to do a jungle trek, and I hear there is an elephant sanctuary there too. After a few days I might go west to Pai, near the Myanmar border. About half way through, I want to make my way down to the islands. I'm not sure if I should fly, or get a train, or instead of going there directly go back to Bangkok for a day and split the journey in two.
I want to visit Koh Phangan for sure, probably go to the full moon party, but a good friend has told me about some unreal and much more secluded areas as well that I have GOT to go to. I might check out another island too... I've really only become remotely familiar with Thailands geography in the past couple of hours, so this plan could change. And it probably will once I get there and meet some people in hostels and stuff.


So excited, yo!!

Don't be afraid, you're already dead.

the end of the year is nigh.

I dig new years eve.
I think it's because I'm a sucker for nostalgia. I like the whole self-reflection aspect, thinking back over the past year, the great times and the shitty times, the lessons learned, the changes you made and want to make. All that noise.
I get that it's just another day, it's just the turning of a calendar page, that the whole idea of a "new year" is abstract and contrived, but that's not important. It's a time when a lot of people feel they get a new start, and there's a real optimism there that I'm just into.

2012 has been real.
I moved to Korea, by myself. Some people think that's "brave", but it's not because it wasn't scary for me. I've always been quite independent. I'm good at upping to a new, faraway city, it's one thing I feel comfortable doing.

What was scary was accepting a job as a teacher, not knowing what age my students would be, or how many classes I would have, or whether I'd physically be able to stand up in front of a room full of adolescents and speak with some kind of authority. And so at the beginning, I was just acting. Pretending to be a teacher until one day I realised I was one. I have loved it.  I didn't think I liked kids before I came here -how ridiculous is that? That's almost like not liking people! (Wait...). These kids are awesome. Teaching has been awesome, getting to know my students has been awesome and those few students who started the year afraid to open their mouths but who now hang back after the bell rings to come up and say "enjoy your lunch, teacher!" are awesome!

What was scary was approaching a table of strangers, after psyching myself up for twenty minutes while sipping on a beer alone, introducing myself and asking if I could join them. This was three days after arriving, roaming around Bucheon on a mission to find the foreigner bar I had read about online. It might not sound like much, but that really took guts for me! And of course, they were all great people, and took me and and showed me a good time, and I met more new people, and they're all still my friends today. It's sweet when you do something scary and it pays off.

But by and large, coming to Korea hasn't been scary. I came with a job all secured, with accomodation sorted, with a sister who had been here before preparing me for some things and internet forums preparing me for the rest, with knowledge of cool music venues and decent restaurants from blogs and knowing there was a community of foreigners to meet. Next year, on the other hand? Next year is kind of terrifying!

I finish up my contract at the end of February. Then I have a few weeks to travel, and then I'm home. Home will be great for the first couple weeks and then I will go stir crazy, but realistically, it will probably be about two months before I take off again. This time on a one year US visa. Whereabouts? I have no idea. Maybe Portland, maybe San Francisco, maybe New York or Philly or anywhere else. Wherever I can find a job related to my masters. That's going to be the scary part for me. Applying for a real job, a job I'm qualified for but totally inexperienced in. Ugh.  I'm scared that I won't find one, and scared that I will! But I'm huge excited for moving and being back in the US and making more new friends and hopefully seeing some old ones too.

New years resolutions? Don't be afraid, you're already dead. And be more punctual. Yeah.

sick

I have a kidney infection. Apart from the whole pee thing, I've also got an intense pain in my side  and was in agony yesterday until I made it to the pharmacy, walking doubled over the whole way, to get some painkillers.

So, I mentioned it to my co-teacher, saying I must go to a doctor after work. However, she says in Korea I have to go to a urologist or a women's clinic, not just any old doctor. No problem, I say. Oh but there is a problem. And she tells me in a hushed voice, that actually urologists and women's clinics also treat.. "sexual diseases" (by which I assume she means chamydia, HPV, pregnancy etc.)and it would be very "shameful" if a student or parent spied me entering such a premises  and therefore insists on driving me to one on the other side of town.

Who knew kidneys could be so scandalous?

(On the awesome side, FOUR DOLLARS for a consultation and prescription of antibiotics? Unreal!)

social moreos

After lunch, I have to go to the bank with my co-teacher. I stop in the 7/11 outside the school gates to pick up Oreos because oh my, I am craving Oreos. I open the box and offer my co-teacher a cookie.

"No thank you. There are parents around and we are teachers.. it is wrong image if we eat on the street."

"Really?" I ask, confused but slowly biting into an Oreo nonetheless.

She looks embarrassed for me.

"Yes, it is not behaviour of teacher. But you... you are like a child, not a teacher!!" She laughs.

Ain't nobody too grown up for Oreos!!

Teaching in the ROK

So, in case you didn't know, I'm currently teaching in Korea for the year. So lemme do a typical day in the life.


7:15am:
I'm awake.Yes!  Every day that I actually wake up on time, I'm super grateful for it. I am not good at getting up in general and last week I was two hours late for school. Did you know how much it fucking blows to be woken up at 10am by your doorbell, and you answer in your skivvies and it's your co-teacher who was half counting on finding pieces your raped corpse chopped up all over your officetel, and then having to go to the principal's office and apologise to like a hundred people? It blows a lot.)
I take the shortest acceptable excuse for a shower, spend at least ten minutes trying to find a pair of tights without numerous ladders, and vow to go through them  later and separate work tights from non-work (ie ripped) tights, but never do.

8:15am
  I generally summon at least two of the three elevators because I am a jerk like that. Then  swear silently as the elevator stops on every floor, the doors sliding open at a snail's pace to reveal nobody, because karma is a bitch. I check myself out in the mirror because I have been in Korea too long and forget how douchey I think that is.
My walk to school is nice, so long as it's not pissing rain. I found a new route a few months ago so now I get to walk through a nice tree lined avenue and a park rather than a dusty, traffic lined main road. I also like that I get to walk through a really affluent area and a disadvantaged one. There is a lollipop man outside a neighbouring school who always exchanges anyonghaseyos with me.

8:40(okay, 8:45-50)am
As I arrive to school, little kids run up to say hi, or bow or smile and it never fails to put me in a good mood. It really is one of the best parts of this job. And it's weird because I really had no affinity with kids before I came here. As a rule, I generally didn't like kids to be honest. That opinion was vetoed on my very first day. Maybe it's just Korean kids? Maybe it's just the language barrier and not being able to hear them call me names behind my back, but I really love the kids here. They're friendly and fun and they appear to be really nice to each other which weirds me out for some reason. And they love me because I'm a novelty, and I'm fine with that. Alright, I lap it up. I'm finally the popular girl in school and it's awesome.

9am
Generally, I have an hour before my first classes. I photocopy anything I need, make sure I have any presentations I'm using saved to my flashdrive and then just mess about online. Ten minutes before my class, the snacks appear and the teachers gather. I don't know who pays for or provides the snacks. I like to think it comes out of our collective paychecks but I'm not certain. The past couple weeks there have been bunches of grapes -totally different to grapes at home, these actually taste like grape-flavored things which has solved that lifelong mystery for me. In the past, the mid-morning snacks have also included big plates of: boiled potatoes, sweet potatoes, raw turnips, slices of Korean melon, slices of watermelon, cherry tomatoes, corn on the cob, kimbap, rice cake and strawberries.

9am-12pm
Classes. Periods are forty minutes. I spend the first five asking how the kids are, asking about their weekends, if they heard G-Dragon's new track etc. Then we review whatever it is we've been learning. Generally, I will do two activities -maybe a funny video followed by questions, or a presentation or some of the exercises from the text book and CD-Rom and then play a game of some sort.
If it's my co-teacher's class, I pace around and comment on students' pencil cases or doodles to keep myself awake between helping to pronounce or spell a word.
Before I came here I was extremely nervous about teaching, but I really enjoy it. It's fun, I like having the banter with the kids and the time flies.

12:10pm
Lunch. I still get a little excited every day wondering what lunch will be. Occasionally I'm disappointed, but usually it's decent and quite often it's great. Pretty much always includes rice, soup, kimchi, some kind of meat/fish and some kind of weird unidentifiable vegetable. Once in a while, we get something different -like spaghetti and garlic bread, which totally makes my day.

1pm
Sometimes I have one more class after lunch, but usually I'm free til 4.40pm. I do any planning I need to do for my next lesson and once that's out of the way I read and chat to friends. I don't usually need to spend too much time planning, but I do make sure I have cool things prepared, and have recently started making little live-action Panda videos for my classes which has been fun.  Students drop in to say hi, and I'll draw something on their wrist for them, or if I'm lucky (and it HAS happened) I get  a swarm of them around me -one giving me a neckrub, another doing my hair, another painting my nails and yet another fans me. Best. Job. Evar.

4:40pm
Hometime. If I have no dinner plans for later, I'll pick up some kimbap or mandu on the way home. More often, I meet friends later in the evening for dinner and sometimes beers and usually ice cream.Or if it's raining then you know, maybe I'm cleaning my place or doing laundry or painting my nails or skyping home or having someone with better rainproof footwear come over or watching torrents or looking at cute animal pictures or something.   If it's a Friday, there will usually be pre-drinks in the park or on somebody's rooftop before heading out to some bars. If it's a Saturday I'm probably only just leaving the house and heading into Seoul to do something cultural before winding up in Hongdae slurping soju from a paper cup. If it's Sunday... I don't even know what I do on Sundays. Some of the above.


So there we go. I love it here.