Testing, testing.. 1, 2, 3..

There is something about being tested for a disease of some sort that instantly makes me feel 300 times more likely to have it than were I not tested. Is there a name for this? Like, a more specific name than regular paranoia? 

I get regular STI tests, aiming for about every six months. And I've never really suspected I've had an STI (which, bear in mind, can often be symptomless), I just get checked to be on the safe side, and because THAT'S WHAT RESPONSIBLE, SEXUALLY MATURE GROWN-UPS DO (If you can't tell from previous posts, it pisses me off that most guys I know do not get tested regularly, or in many cases, ever. You deserve to never get laid!)
Still, from the moment I pee in that cup until the moment I get my results, I'm suddenly convinced that I have acquired every STI under the sun.   What if all my previous tests and clear results have been one big admin error and it turns out I have an extremely advanced stage of AIDS? What if that in-grown hair I had a couple weeks ago wasn't an ingrown hair at all, but was in fact My First Herpe? What if I have some new thing that they don't even have a test for yet?!  It doesn't matter if I have been accidentally celibate since my last test, I'm still paranoid that by the very action of getting tested, I've caught something. 

So, when I arrived in Korea and was taken to a hospital on my second day for the routine medical testing, I got predictably worried again. A chest x-ray, physical, urine and blood tests. In fact, it was my first blood test ever. (I was so super-pleasantly surprised at how quick and painless the blood test actually was, that I'm no longer that bothered my needles actually. Win!)
Still, despite not being into unprotected sex or intravenous drugs, I was terrified when I went to collect my results a week later. What if, what if, what if? A lot of my fellow teacher friends admitted to experiencing the same paranoia over their health checks too.
The tests checked for HIV and Hepatitis, and if we had one, we would immediately have our visas cancelled, be sent home and would not be reimbursed for our flights. I think I was about 5% worried about my health and 95% worried about my year being ruined. The language barrier didn't help. The document I was handed was naturally all in hangul, and when I asked the nurse nervously "So, I got the all clear, right?" she didn't understand me, until I waved my hand between a thumbs up and thumbs down and she smiled and responded with a thumbs up. I don't think I could have been more relieved to see a thumbs up if I'd been in a ancient Roman amphitheatre. 


This all brings me to two weeks ago, when as part of my Canadian visa application, I had to complete another medical check. Same tests -chest x-ray, physical, urine and blood tests -except  two hundred euros more expensive than its Korean counterpart. This time, the blood tests checked for HIV and Syphilis, neither of which I logically suspected I had, but again, just the fact I was being tested for them started to make me paranoid. I mean... what if?!
I checked with the admin clerk to see if I would get the results, but as I had read online, no -they would send the results straight to the Canadian government, and I would only be alerted of my test results if they refused my visa, but they could send out my my results if I requested them. 
"Oh, okay," I said, deciding not to ask for the results and just let bureaucratic nature take its course.
So when, today, I received a large brown envelope from the hospital marked "private and confidential", I freaked out. In the five seconds it took me to rip it open with shaking hands, I felt sick and convinced that I must have something, as there was no other reason they would contact me. I flipped through the sheets.

HIV -negative.
Syphilis -negative.
Lungs -clear.
A slight scoliosis of the dorsal spine convex to my right side, whatever the fuck that means but that's NBD.
Phew.
Of course, I always have that split second of confused panic induced by the association of "negative" with bad things, until I remember how diagnosis works.
Oh my God, the relief, I cannot even express it.
And on the front, a note in biro "Results, as requested." I guess the woman took my "Oh, okay" which I meant as "I understand, nevermind" to mean "Great, please send me my results!" 
Which is fine. Hey, it's good to know. Being officially notified that you don't have syphilis is pretty neat, in the same way it's nice to be reminded I have no student debt or that I don't live somewhere that will be affected by the cicada swarmageddon. It doesn't really change anything, but it's good news all the same.
But damn if I didn't nearly shit my pants first.

violence begets

No doubt about it, hacking somebody to death with a meat cleaver is pretty brutal and inexcusable. So too is claiming to do such a thing in the name of a religion. But at the same time...

Look I don't know all the facts about Woolwich. Sure, Woolwich has got me thinking about this stuff but I'm NOT talking about Woolwich in particular here, okay? I'm being hypothetical and shit.

If you sign up to the military (of whatever country) and you are sent abroad, and you end up killing people -some of whom may be what you or your government consider "bad" people, but some of whom are inevitably going to be innocent bystanders, and you manage to deal with it by not thinking about these people you have killed as people as real as your own family, friends, neighbours, because you are just being a brave and upstanding citizen serving your country and/or fighting for freedom -fine. But if one day, then somebody chops you up -or  chops up one of your friends or family members.. well...   it's horrible but don't be a fucking hypocrite about it. 

Just because it happens on a nice paved street with a Boots and a Tesco Express instead of some dusty dirt track in some foreign country where you think that stuff belongs, doesn't make it worse.
That violence doesn't belong anywhere and it's not any more okay when it happens to poor people in war torn countries. Is it more shocking when it happens in your own neighbourhood? Sure. But it's not any more unjust.

Those who are "our brave troops!" to some people are those who slaughter the friends and family of other people. 
You can see that right?

I felt the same way about 911. Of course it was sad, awful to see so many innocent people killed. But hold up, Amurica, your government does this to people all over the world, all the time. Be shocked, be saddened, but don't act so goddamn offended. If your government is doing shitty things to others, every once in a while, expect the others to hit back. I mean, it's nice to have the privilege of thinking "How very dare they!!" and all, but instead, maybe take a minute to think about your own government's role in all this, or something?

How's it gonna be?

You know what I love? When you've listened to an old song a hundred times, sang along with it a hundred times, and then one day, you hear it one particular time, and it's like hearing it for the first time, and though you've always liked it, this is the first time you've related.
It happened tonight, I was walking through Bucheon's central park, the ground still marbled in snow and ice, and very strangely, not a soul around, and I was singing along with my ipod, when the lyrics to a familiar song which I had never really thought about before, made sense. I dig that feeling.


Break ups are interesting. The whole getting to un-know someone part, I mean. Someone who, in many cases, was your best friend. Who you spoke to everyday, told personal things about yourself, who you had lots of little private jokes with, who you cared about. Watching all that unravel, or disappear. I guess it depends a lot on the hows and the whys of the break-up.
For the most part, I get along well with my exes, we broke up on good terms and most are still my friends. In these cases, the un-knowing process is usually gradual, slow. We might still hang out occasionally, keep in touch, have short online conversations every few weeks, have long, deep drunken online conversations once a year.
Or sometimes you have to stop talking, for yourself, or for the other person, or for their new girlfriend. That can hurt, but you know you're still friends really.

With some exes, it's a little more sudden. Sometimes the un-knowing process happens in one swift flash, with one stomach-churning pang of "you are not who I thought you were" right before the break-up even occurs. And so you end things, and the un-knowing process begins. And it's one of those rare cases where you never want anything to do with them again, which makes it easier. But you still know things about them. You still know their weekly schedule. You still know their upcoming vacation plans, which drawer they keep their socks in, the scents and the scars of their body. And you don't care, you don't think about them (this is the one thing dishonest/disrespectful guys have going for them -you get over them quickly and easily) but you can't help knowing it. I suppose that must fade too, after a while.

holidayyy

I am glad I am on staycation because it's  6:45am and I still haven't slept because I am too excited! I just booked a trip to Thailand for two weeks before I go home in March!
THAILAND!
Two weeks of sunshine and white sand and turquoise water and coconut milk based curries and boat trips and cheap massages and jungles and elephants..... shiiiiit!

For the record, I don't do this. I don't go on vacations as such, I don't spend hundreds of bucks on a flight when the stay is only a couple of weeks. I don't go somewhere with the plan of just travelling around, or laying on a beach.
I save up all my money, and I apply for work or study visas, and then I go to a big city (until korea, a big north american city) and I get a job and an apartment and settle down for a year. I'm not knocking it, because I love it. But it's very, very different to this.

But here I am, in Asia, nearing the end of my contract, and I didn't travel anywhere during my summer or winter breaks, so I'm finally going to go on a trip. An amazing trip!

I am flying in and out of Bangkok, so I'll check out some palaces and markets and all that. After a day or so I am going to head north to Chiang Mai. I'm already looking forward to the train journey, a window seat to admire the scenery and a good book and I'm golden. Chiang Mai has been highly recommended by a good few friends. I want to do a jungle trek, and I hear there is an elephant sanctuary there too. After a few days I might go west to Pai, near the Myanmar border. About half way through, I want to make my way down to the islands. I'm not sure if I should fly, or get a train, or instead of going there directly go back to Bangkok for a day and split the journey in two.
I want to visit Koh Phangan for sure, probably go to the full moon party, but a good friend has told me about some unreal and much more secluded areas as well that I have GOT to go to. I might check out another island too... I've really only become remotely familiar with Thailands geography in the past couple of hours, so this plan could change. And it probably will once I get there and meet some people in hostels and stuff.


So excited, yo!!

Don't be afraid, you're already dead.

the end of the year is nigh.

I dig new years eve.
I think it's because I'm a sucker for nostalgia. I like the whole self-reflection aspect, thinking back over the past year, the great times and the shitty times, the lessons learned, the changes you made and want to make. All that noise.
I get that it's just another day, it's just the turning of a calendar page, that the whole idea of a "new year" is abstract and contrived, but that's not important. It's a time when a lot of people feel they get a new start, and there's a real optimism there that I'm just into.

2012 has been real.
I moved to Korea, by myself. Some people think that's "brave", but it's not because it wasn't scary for me. I've always been quite independent. I'm good at upping to a new, faraway city, it's one thing I feel comfortable doing.

What was scary was accepting a job as a teacher, not knowing what age my students would be, or how many classes I would have, or whether I'd physically be able to stand up in front of a room full of adolescents and speak with some kind of authority. And so at the beginning, I was just acting. Pretending to be a teacher until one day I realised I was one. I have loved it.  I didn't think I liked kids before I came here -how ridiculous is that? That's almost like not liking people! (Wait...). These kids are awesome. Teaching has been awesome, getting to know my students has been awesome and those few students who started the year afraid to open their mouths but who now hang back after the bell rings to come up and say "enjoy your lunch, teacher!" are awesome!

What was scary was approaching a table of strangers, after psyching myself up for twenty minutes while sipping on a beer alone, introducing myself and asking if I could join them. This was three days after arriving, roaming around Bucheon on a mission to find the foreigner bar I had read about online. It might not sound like much, but that really took guts for me! And of course, they were all great people, and took me and and showed me a good time, and I met more new people, and they're all still my friends today. It's sweet when you do something scary and it pays off.

But by and large, coming to Korea hasn't been scary. I came with a job all secured, with accomodation sorted, with a sister who had been here before preparing me for some things and internet forums preparing me for the rest, with knowledge of cool music venues and decent restaurants from blogs and knowing there was a community of foreigners to meet. Next year, on the other hand? Next year is kind of terrifying!

I finish up my contract at the end of February. Then I have a few weeks to travel, and then I'm home. Home will be great for the first couple weeks and then I will go stir crazy, but realistically, it will probably be about two months before I take off again. This time on a one year US visa. Whereabouts? I have no idea. Maybe Portland, maybe San Francisco, maybe New York or Philly or anywhere else. Wherever I can find a job related to my masters. That's going to be the scary part for me. Applying for a real job, a job I'm qualified for but totally inexperienced in. Ugh.  I'm scared that I won't find one, and scared that I will! But I'm huge excited for moving and being back in the US and making more new friends and hopefully seeing some old ones too.

New years resolutions? Don't be afraid, you're already dead. And be more punctual. Yeah.

tabula rasa

I'm glad I'm not in your moleskins, not on your blog.

I don't belong there.

I'm not one of those girls.

I mean, those girls seem fine. In fact, I'd love to grab a beer with your ex. Talk shop. 

But I was never your girlfriend the way they were your girlfriends. I was never an exercise in how you presented yourself to the world, and I'm thankful for that.

sick

I have a kidney infection. Apart from the whole pee thing, I've also got an intense pain in my side  and was in agony yesterday until I made it to the pharmacy, walking doubled over the whole way, to get some painkillers.

So, I mentioned it to my co-teacher, saying I must go to a doctor after work. However, she says in Korea I have to go to a urologist or a women's clinic, not just any old doctor. No problem, I say. Oh but there is a problem. And she tells me in a hushed voice, that actually urologists and women's clinics also treat.. "sexual diseases" (by which I assume she means chamydia, HPV, pregnancy etc.)and it would be very "shameful" if a student or parent spied me entering such a premises  and therefore insists on driving me to one on the other side of town.

Who knew kidneys could be so scandalous?

(On the awesome side, FOUR DOLLARS for a consultation and prescription of antibiotics? Unreal!)